Where The Wild Thangs Hang Out….My Closet

The dreaded closet. I don’t know about you, but my closet is frightening! It’s a dark cave that could possibly have bats hanging from the top of it. It could have stalagmites and stalactites. (I learned those words as a child, at Wilson School…they have stuck with me all these years. I also learned the word “paramecium”, and use it as an insult every once in a while, as in, “That girl at the Dollar General, wearing that tube top in December, is dumber than a paramecium.”)

Typical of me, I am off the subject, which I think, was closets.

I had a friend come over the other day. She needed to borrow some things, so she followed me up the stairs and to the big walk-in closet that’s the main reason we bought this house. (My husband is a pretty smart man.)

I inched into the closet, said a little prayer that nothing alive would jump out on us, and turned on the light.

 I kicked a few shoes to the side and hung a shirt that had taken flight and landed on top of the big plastic container full of caps. (Caps are a must..on a bad hair day, just put one on and tell everyone you have been to the gym.)

I tossed two or three beach bags up onto the top shelf, and kicked my gym bag into a corner. I picked up a handful of dust bunnies big enough to stuff a pillow and shoved them in my pocket.

“OH!” my friend screamed…..I cringed.

“What?” I asked, as I grabbed a stray shoe to use as a weapon.

“It’s so much cleaner than it was the last time I was here!”She squealed.

I figured she was hallucinating or maybe had had a mickey slipped into the sausage biscuit she had for breakfast, but I just smiled and said, “Thankee, I worked hard in here.”

I started digging, and suddenly it was like Christmas! I found things that had been there so long,they had gone out of style and come back in!

 I found my daddy’s western shirts he used to wear when he played with his bluegrass band.

 I found my vintage, probably now antique, Muscle Shoals Sound tee shirt! It’s worn so thin you can see through it!

I found the hippie outfits my husband and I once wore to a Relay for Life. I hesitate to call them costumes, as we really did once dress like that, and we were not wearing costumes……we were looking awesome!

I found a pair of cowboy boots I bought for fifty cents in the pouring rain at a yard sale in Leighton!

I found the hospital gown my son wore to watch his daughter being born. Her little footprints are on it in ink, done by a thoughtful nurse.

I found some hats, and OH Joy! I found four pair of Old Navy flip flops with the tags still on them!! Two pair for $5.99!

Maybe I should tell the truth when I say “I am gonna clean out the closet today.”

 I do say it, and I mean it at the time, but Lawdy! I am so attached to my stuff, it’s difficult to throw it out. Once in a while, after I watch “Hoarders”, I go in there a get a few things and donate them to the Loaves and Fishes.

 Once, I was in a thrift store, found one of my old shirts, and bought it back!! I didn’t even realize it until I was showing my “finds” to my daughter, and she said, “You used to have a shirt just like that one!”

Now, you all know women love shoes. We love them because they make us feel better. The right pair of shoes can work more miracles than Alka Seltzer Plus, which I assure you, will cure anything from a cold to a broken leg to varicose veins.

Tony was headed to work one day and asked my plans for the day.

Very housewife like, I said, “Cleaning out the shoes in my closet. I am getting rid of a lot of them! At least twenty pair…They have got to go.”

I noticed the little sarcastic grin he had on his face as he went out the door, but I let him live, and went to the closet.

I tossed about a hundred pair of shoes into a pile on the floor in the bathroom. I sat down in the midst of them and started pairing them up.

Oh look! Here are my black boots Tony gave me on the first Christmas we had together! Gotta keep ‘em, even though the dog chewed one of the heels off and the sole is flapping at the toe of the left one.

Oh! Here are the shoes I wore when I dressed as Olive Oyl for Halloween several years ago!! They look like something Frankenstein would have on his feet, but they are a good memory. Gotta keep “em!

Wow!! These flats would look great with a long skirt and a tee shirt! Wonder where I got these? If they fit, they stay.

Man, oh, man! If I had known I had these red heels, I would have worn them to that wedding the other day! I’m gonna keep them for sure!

And these Born sandals!! Perfect for shopping and sightseeing, should I ever go anywhere where there is a sight to see…..keeping ‘em!

And, so it goes.

I did get rid of three pair of shoes. One, I admit, did not have a mate, therefore, since I have two feet, had to go.

It was painful, but I accomplished it. I was so proud.

Tony loves to pick on me. The first thing he did when he got home was go to my closet. My shoes were lined up, toes out, in perfect rows on the metal shelves I had taken from my Momma’s garage.

“I thought you were going to get rid of some shoes today.” He said, as he hurried into the bathroom, shut the door and locked it…..

I had to play along, so I had a little hissy fit and explained to him for the ten thousandth time, how women are about their shoes. I could hear him laughing an evil laugh on the other side of the bathroom door.

Now, most men just want a pair of tennis shoes, a pair of dress shoes, (doesn’t matter what color), and a pair of boots to put on when its winter and their wife wants some firewood brought in.

 About shoes… All normal women must have sandals, white, black, brown, gray, and maybe a navy blue. Then we have the multi colored ones.

We must have boots. Dressy, casual,short, tall,  cowboy, flat ones in black and brown, and those with heels, black and brown. It doesn’t hurt to have gray boots, either.

Then, the heels, because they make our legs look better and we would be frowned upon for wearing any other shoe to a real fancy, dress up event.

We must have many, many flats, as they go with any outfit and can be dressy or not. We gotta have tons of these, and in every color invented so far. I hope somebody invents some new colors so I can get more flats!

Then there are the cheap flip flops, which, thank God, come in all colors and can be worn all year long, regardless of the weather.

So, men can’t relate. They can, however, keep their judgments to themselves, or they can laugh along, as Tony does. Bless his heart.

I’m gonna go in the kitchen right now and make him some biscuits and chocolate gravy. And I am gonna let him have the remote….I won’t fuss when he lets the dogs sit on the couch on either side of him, like bookends….it’s a special day for him!! He is, as all my friends say, a Keeper!!