I snuggled into the blankets, got into my sleeping position, and I met God.
He didn’t look as I expected. There was no long beard, no flowing robes. He did have soft eyes. He did have a book in His hands. He had very little hair. He resembled Kevin Spacey.
I was standing in an office!
I peeked in the door.
He was at a desk, not the gold encrusted office furniture one would expect our Lord to use. This was an old, metal desk you might see at a construction site. Through a window, I saw trees, a rolling landscape, and a highway, which closely resembled the interstate. I did not see any angels flying by.
I waited, slightly confused. I didn’t remember dying. Maybe it happened while I was asleep, one of those gentle, painless deaths. Had I had a stroke, a heart attack? Had someone slipped in, hit me over the head, made off with my worldly possessions and left me in a pool of blood? I looked down at my pajamas; no blood.
Here it was. The thing I had always been told about. I was about to be judged!
God looked down at His book. It said ‘Ledger’ on the front, and had a Woolsworth sticker – 98 cents. I thought
it must be old; nothing could be purchased for less than a dollar anymore. I wondered where He had gotten the 98 cents.
“Have a seat.” God said, picking up a black Bic Rollerwriter off the desk. I eased myself into the only chair in the office. It was a little rickety.
He cleared His throat and adjusted His reading glasses. I noticed a ketchup stain on his shirt, the same kind my dad had worn to work. A McDonald’s bag was in the trash can next to the desk. I fidgeted.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked. I figured since He looked so…average, I’d speak to him just as I spoke to anyone.
“Nothing, yet.” God said. He did have a kind voice, just the voice you’d expect Him to have. “Name?” He placed reading glasses on his nose, and adjusted them slightly.
Uh oh. NOT a good sign. Did He not even know my name? Heck, I’d been to church, several times.
“Sheila.”I said.
“Middle initial and last name?”
“A. Hill.” I felt a little trickle of sweat slide down under my Aerosmith tee shirt.
“Related to Benny?”
“No. Sir. Hollan and Lois are my parents.”
“Yeah, I have that here.”
“Then, why ask?”
“Just wanting to chat.”
“Okay, what about?”
“You.”
God crossed his legs, revealing His worn Air Nikes. Now, I was really confused. Was this Heaven? Was I asleep, still under my comforter, having a pizza-induced nightmare? This was not what it was supposed to be. God could not be this real, for God’s sake!
“So, tell me about yourself.” He poised the pen above the paper.
“Forty two, divorced, two kids, one dog, a cheap apartment, a used car, laid off, behind on my bills, two beers a day, no call waiting, shop at the Salvation Army and yard sales, do not tithe.” I spewed forth.
“Hmmmm.” God said.
“Colored hair, size twelve, sometimes fourteen, haven’t vacuumed in two weeks, feed the dog table scraps, have three speeding tickets, am too young to get a government check and too old to work, eat a lot of fruit, which irritates my spastic colon, listen to Aerosmith and Stevie Nicks.”
“She’s good!”
“Uh, like Mexican food, am technologically challenged, love my mother, like my daddy, but not Indian food, nor stupid people, nor Christmas.”
Ooops!
“Don’t like Christmas? And, pray, why not?”
“Well, Sir, the world has turned Christmas into a living hell on earth.”
“ Hell on earth..” God muttered, as He scribbled a note. “Interesting. How?”
“I thought You were watching!”
“That I am.”
“Then you are aware that traffic is bumper to bumper, a person could actually get killed in Wal Mart during the holidays! People don’t even know why we have Christmas anymore! It’s all just a commercial enterprise to make millions for Fisher Price and Mattel. It’s about how many gifts they get and give, and how much food they can stuff in their faces. It’s about families who don’t even like each other getting together and being uncomfortable for an entire day.”
“Astute of you, Ms. Hill.” God said, wryly. He scribbled in His book at a high rate of speed.
“Call me Sheila. You don’t have a computer?” I inquired.
“Don’t need one. I have a pen and paper.” God answered. “Why do you ask?”
“Because everyone needs a computer.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
“Oh, okay, Sir.”
“So, continue…”
“God, what’s going on here? Am I dead?” I asked. “Is this a dream? You’re not what I expected.”
“Never am.”
“Well, am I dead?”
“Are you fulfilled, Ms.Hill?”
“Sheila. Not really, Sir.”
“Have you tried?”
“Tried what?”
“To be fulfilled.”
“I guess not, now that You’ve brought it to my attention.”
“Made mistakes, huh?” He leaned slightly toward me, over the desktop. “That’s forgivable. That’s only human.” He said.
“Whew! I thought for a minute there I was in trouble.” I said. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
“But, I still need to know about you.” He asked.
“God! What do you need to know?”
“Did you just use my name in vain?”
“Oh! No, Sir! I was addressing you!”
“Sure, well, back to you, Ms. Hill.”
“Sheila. Okay….”
“How do you feel about yourself, your life, what are your plans?”
“I plan on Heaven, if you don’t mind.”
“Let me be the judge of that, as well.”
“I’m not bad, I’m really not.” I pleaded.
“At what?”
“God, you are confusing the…you are confusing me, a lot.”
“Just relax, Ms. Hill, explain yourself, and let’s get this over with so we can move on.”
“Sheila. To what?”
“What, what?”
‘What are we moving on to?”
“Just talk, if you don’t mind. I have a long line waiting outside, and not enough chairs.”
“Okay, it’s like this, I am not perfect, I have made mistakes, a lot of them, God, but I am not a bad sinner. I just do regular sins, you know, like keep the ink pen at the bank and take Sweet and Low at restaurants. And, I admit it, I took a lawn chair that was left at the beach, but I can take that right back where I got it from. And, I argue with my daddy, and I …”
“Do you know me?” He interrupted.
“Of course, you’re God.”
“Do you know my likes and dislikes?”
“ Uh, McDonald’s hamburgers and sinners?”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” He snapped. He slammed the Bic down on the desk. “ I knew you’d be like this.” He took off His glasses and gave me a look.
“Like what?”
“Like this, sarcastic and afraid.”
“I am not afraid, just skeptical.”
“Oh, a skeptic? Well, I can fix that.” He pointed out the window. The sky immediately turned dark. Sheets of rain beat against the glass. A howling wind whipped the trees into a frenzy. I covered my ears.
“Please, stop it!”
He pointed again, and it stopped. Why, the window wasn’t even damp. I got up and started pacing the office.
“What do you want from me?”
“I want you to know yourself.”
“But you just asked if I knew you!”
“To know me, you must know yourself.”
“Now you’re starting that theology stuff,God. I understand plain English, if you’d care to speak it.”
“Do you love?”
“Of course, I love. I have kids, I have a dog. I have the Beatles White Album!”
God turned His chair around and stared out the window. It looked so peaceful outside. I wished I were out there, lying under a shade tree, instead of in here getting judged.
“You went to church when you were young.”
“I just knew you’d know that!” I said, happily.
“You didn’t like it. Your mother made you go.”
“I was very young, God. I didn’t comprehend church.”
“You sat in the back row, painting your fingernails.”
“I know. Sorry about that.”
“You called the elders and deacons “The God Squad.”
“Sorry.” I picked at a fingernail. “I thought you wanted me to tell you about myself, and here you are telling me about myself.”
“I already know, I just wanted to hear it from you.”
“I believe in you, Sir, I do! I believe that your son died on the cross for my sins.”
“But you never really thanked Him.”
“I did too!”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“You only went to worship three hundred and four times in your lifetime, Ms. Hill.” God observed, licking a finger and turning a page in His ledger.
“I went more than that! Someone wasn’t keeping up very well.” I waggled my finger at Him.
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
“You only got baptized because it was expected of you. You did not have understanding.”
“I do now. If it’s any consolation, I made my kids go when they were little.”
“ Do you think you raised them up in the way they should go?”
“There you go, spouting scripture just like my mother.”
“She didn’t spout enough.”
“So I guess you’ll give her a hard time, too, huh?”
“I sense a little hostility, Ms. Hill. Would you care to sit down again and have a cup of coffee while we chat? I’ll cancel some of my appointments, just for you.”
“This is not a chat! This is an interrogation, a browbeating! You seem determined to upset me!”
“I’ve been upset before.” God said. “No biggie.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I’ve cleaned a few clocks in my day.”
“You? I thought you were the pacifist of all pacifists!”
“ Got a little carried away when I found some moneylenders cheating people. I even threw someone out of Heaven one time.” He chuckled.
“Yea, I know all about that. What was up with that, anyway?”
“He got on my last nerve, which is almost impossible to do. He was a rabble rouser, a trouble maker. He wanted to tell me how to run things. He had to go. Simple as that.”
“So, what now?” I bravely asked.
“Look, I want to explain something to you about myself…Sheila.” God looked at me sincerely. I felt a warmth start through me.
“But…” I started.
“No, you should hear me out. I want you to know I don’t expect perfection. You see, that would be expecting the impossible. I don’t expect the impossible.” He said.
“I know…”
“No, you don’t know. You think I want you to be perfect. All I ever asked you to do was to try to be perfect. I never said you could be perfect.”
“I never tried…” I stumbled over this admission.
God stood and walked toward me. I could feel heat radiating from Him. I wondered stupidly if Kevin Spacey knew he resembled God.
He put His arms around me.
“You’ve gone through your whole life unsure of me. You’re thinking I may be an old hard ankle, cranky and impossible to please.”
“But….” I started.
“Go on now… And remember I am available all hours of the day and night. I’m a busy man, Sheila, but never too busy for you.”
I felt tears well in my eyes. My heart felt mushy and soft. I knelt and held onto His knees.
I noticed His pants could use a good ironing.
“Father!” I whispered.
“Sure!” He chuckled, raising me to my feet. “And, you don’t have to fall down in front of me. Just love me. That’s all I ask.”
“Ok, God.. I mean..Ok, Sir.” I laughed.glasses being cleaned
“Be on your way, I am a busy man.” God picked up His glasses off the desk and started to wipe them. I saw He cleaned His glasses with a paper towel. He should clean them with a lens tissue, the same as I did.
Then, He turned and walked away. I closed my eyes in relief. I wasn’t going to hell today!
I opened my eyes, and pulled my comforter over me. MY COMFORTER!! I was in my own bed! I jumped up and looked out the window. It was still dark.
I climbed back into bed. I cried a little, but not from sadness or fear. I felt cuddled in huge warm arms. Sleep started to overcome me. I had been having a DREAM!
“Goodnight Sir.” I whispered. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
