Sometimes Life Is Not So Funny…..

Sheila Hill Colston

Let’s touch on the not funny… abuse.. from a woman’s point of view. Now, before you start, I realize men are abused as well.

I hurt for these people; I’ve been where they are. Just because I broke away does not mean they will. I know it’s difficult…to pack up the kids, the cats, your little tad of money and leave in a ratty car with a leaky radiator…takes guts.

Controllers don’t realize they have a “list.” They really believe they’re “straightening you out”… acting in your best interest.

First, they get you….they treat you with such kindness and love that you fall head over heals into the pit. They make you think you are being protected… that they would do anything for you.

Then, when they have you, they begin “working on you.” By now, you believe you could stand improvement. It may be your dress or speech, or the way you do dishes…even the way you talk or stand. You may be told you embarrass them. I can tell you, that will make you do as he asks.

Now, assuming the abusive person is a man……

He will take your money, or your ability to make money. He will tell you he doesn’t want you to work, he loves you too much. Next thing you know, he is giving you only what it takes to buy food. You will turn over your savings; he will make you believe it’s the right thing. He will keep the money in his name to protect you from having to “deal with all that man stuff.”

He will control your time… check the mileage on the car. He will insist you are lying when you say you just went to the store, and accuse you of cheating. (You dressed up too much for just the store!) He will question the children, put words in their mouths.. and search the house for proof of his suspicions.

He will alienate friends and family, saying your family is controlling and your friends are trouble. He will put an end to time with them and intercept phone calls. He will tell them you are in the bathroom, or gone somewhere…he won’t tell you they called.

If he feels out of control, he will start getting physical. You may be slapped, hit, bit, or punched. You’ll carry bruises. After this, he will be apologetic and sweet.You don’t go out with a bruised face. You will lie, telling yourself you are doing it for the kids.

He will stop fun and laughter. The rules will be his. Your kids will be silent and fearful, and stay in their rooms to keep the peace. They will do badly in school, and he will punish them for that. Teachers will have “feelings” about your children, but no proof. Kids don’t tell about their Dad hitting their Mom.

He will break off contact with the outside world. He will control the television. He will be cool to the neighbors so they won’t talk to you. He will speak in “abuser code” when you do go out. You will know what he means, even if others do not.

If you leave him, he will become a real danger. He will beg, plead, and often, “find God.” He may carry a Bible, and go to church to prove he “has changed.” He will beg friends and family to get you to come back. He will buy you things, and shower you with compliments. Finally, he will threaten you and follow you. He usually means business. Some women die at this time; some are scarred for life.

It’s what I went through, and what my children went through… what I lived in for 13 years. Another year was spent in fear, waiting for a divorce to be granted. I received whispered threats by phone at all hours. I slept with a gun. Thank God I had great parents.

I am strong, but it still gives me chills. I can’t believe I lived through it. Abuse causes problems that never go away. It causes your children to live with anger, fear, guilt, restlessness, insecurity, addiction, and mental instability.

Now, life is about as good as life can get. There are, even after 25 years, times when it all comes back. Some nights, I dream that my life now IS the dream, and I am really with him. I wake up sweating and shaking. I reach for my husband, who understands and comforts me.

Get help. Safeplace may not be perfect, but they are perfect enough. Call the police.. they will lead you to safer places. Don’t keep it a secret. After all, if he kills you, it’s over. He could end up raising your kids…stranger things have happened!

To you good men out there, thank you. We see the kindness in your eyes, hear it in your voices, feel it in the way you stand, or the way you accept things. We know it instinctively. We have gone through hell, and we “know things” because we develop a second sense. Some of us warn others if we have “the feeling” about someone. Of course, like us, they won’t listen.

So, we have to sit back and watch it happen to someone else this time.

If you have a great life partner, give them an extra hug. You could have much worse. I did, I left, I survived. If you find yourself controlled and abused, if nothing else, message me on face book. I know who to call.

Next time, we will try to lighten it up a bit, and have some fun…life IS worth laughing about..see you around!!!