Smooch….Or How I Lost My House Sitter

Maybe it’s this very trait that causes me to love her.

 The twenty odd years I have been friends with Smooch, she has been an adult child, while also being responsibly irresponsible and drunkenly sober.

One Thursday, my husband and I decided to loosen ourselves from the bonds of life for a weekend, and headed to a bed and breakfast in the hills and hollers of Tennessee.

While I swatted mosquitoes and snapped pictures of the exact same flora and fauna we have around our place, Smooch house sat for us.

 Her main goal was dog care, letting them inside and outside at the same hissy fit inducing rate that my loving spouse does.

 Smooch has an awe inspiring ability to be untrustworthily trustworthy. This, in short, means if she is not taking her medications (she’s fond of saying “I’m bi-polar, and I am, too!) she has a tendency to act what my Momma called,  backwards.

 She leads such a crazy life!! I am in awe of her casual statements such as, “After I got out of jail yesterday, I went to K-Mart to get a pregnancy test kit, and they had their flip flops on sale for a dollar, so I gotta borrow some money from Momma and see if my neighbor’s husband’s boyfriend will let me use his car to go back. Hope I don’t get stopped by the popo cause I still don’t have a license, and it might make him have another seizure, and he might make me pay for the cigarettes I stole from his bedroom drawer when he passed out the other night from smoking dope after we had sex… It’s okay, though, cause the video camera broke…….”

  For the record, I never question these eye widening expressions of what seems to be everyday life for Smooch.

So, on Friday, she bounded dizzily into our stair-laden home, with luggage, food, and, inexplicably, four hats, balancing a stack of cd’s big enough to choke a Clydesdale.

 Her hair had been dyed purple, and she had a bandage on her hand. I didn’t ask. It was a simple case of house and dog sitting…surely she could handle that!

While I made coffee, I went behind her back, searching her luggage and jacket pockets for drugs and/or alcohol.  As I ground, brewed, stirred, poured and searched, I heard the unmistakable sound of a body tumbling down the stairs to our living room!!

Praying to God, I tentatively looked around the corner, finding Smooch at the foot of the stairs, trapped under piles of her paraphernalia, gasping and holding her neck.

 She laughed and wheezed “I’m okay. These sandals you gave me have caused me to fall three or four times lately, but they are so cute, I am GONNA wear ‘em!”

Crunching over her Led Zeppelin CD’s, I went to her and checked for blood. There was none.

Later, after coffee and dog orientation, my husband and I left, with the understanding that Smooch would call her son and have him drive her to the doctor for probing and what not.

After we returned,  I called to check on her and maybe catch up on her always decadent lifestyle.

Smooch said, “The doctor said my neck is broken in two places. I am having  surgery on Tuesday. Don’t worry, though. I am okay. I won’t file this on your homeowner’s unless it gets real bad…..”

“Check your vacuum cleaner, I think I tore it up. My neck is killing me, but really, I am okay, so don’t worry.”

“ Oh, check your oven, too, because I tried to do that self cleaning thing and it didn’t work, so I sprayed it with some stuff and now it won’t turn on. I’m sorry. Damn, I wish my neck would quit hurting, its going all the way down my back now. I’m okay, though.”

“ Oh, the Coast Guard had to come and get my son while he was riding your jet ski. I think something’s happened to it….he didn’t do anything wrong. It just sunk and there’s water all inside it where the battery is. Oh, my neck!!”

“… and that big stain on the couch is just Kool-Aid. I tried to get it off but I couldn’t . I just wanted you to know it’s not anything gross. Dang, I need some pain meds!”

 “Don’t bother coming to the hospital when I have surgery…I will only be there for a week or two. Oh, I ate the whole gallon of peppers you had in the fridge. They were real good!”

Needless to say, our little trip had become expensive. My husband was in a state of shock as he ordered a new oven, 800 dollars, dragged the jet ski to a repair place, 700 dollars, bought a new vacuum cleaner, 200 dollars, and hinted that he had no peppers to eat with his pizza.

He mumbled a lot, but never complained out loud..the look on his face came close to breaking my heart.

I still visit Smooch. I call her once a week. We still hang out, and sometimes you see us in thrift stores. Not as often as we used to, since I heard a woman say, “Oh, look at that poor girl. She is as messed up as a bicycle. She is talking to herself. Someone needs to take her home.” (This was on one of Smooch’s good days when she HAD taken her meds. She just acts like she acts and that’s how she acts!!)

But, no more house sitting. Smooch causes too much stress. Signature loans can only go so far. It’s almost admirable how she does it. It looks so effortless!

We all have our faults, I have a new oven, a new vacuum cleaner, and the jet ski is running like a top!

I’m thinking I could work this to my advantage……but I am ONLY thinking……I will have to check our homeowners insurance before I invite Smooch over, even for coffee!!

My Momma told me that every cloud has a silver lining……….hmmm