“Norm Talk”…..And That Is Not Normal

I really get a kick out of listening to people talk. Now, look here…we are southerners and we reserve the right to talk any way we want to, which is mostly lazy talk. I admit it.

I’m thinking of what I call “Norm Talk.” If you are old enough, or even close to my age, you will recall the hilarious Norm Crosby, a comedian who could carry on a whole conversation in misused English, and make you understand all of it.

Crosby  spoke of “human beans,” “trousers that need an altercation,” a sports idol who is “an insulation to young players,”

and the human body being “subject to many melodies.”

These malapropisms are what made him famous. I guess it also made him rich, but no one has bothered to fill me in on that, and I am not much of a Googler.

He also, like me, thought that those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad...but that story is for another time.

My husband is smart and manages to run a tough business.  I sometimes wonder how he does it, since he once referred to his hairline as “receiving.” It makes me think he may go back to get a delivery and look for the door to the “receding area.”

He finds it hard to pronounce certain names…..he once referred to that great old band, Steppenwolf, as Steffenwolf, leading me to believe he is unable to pronounce the letter P.

But, he can, because I have heard him do it! He also calls Paul McCartney Paul McCarthy. I told him we were not discussing McCarthyism, but a great musician who is world famous. He turned a deaf ear, in spite of the 5,000 dollar hearing aids he was wearing at the time.

Once, he told me a doctor prescribed him a pain pill when he broke off his little finger. I didn’t tell him that his little finger is still on his hand, because that might have put him over the edge and stopped all the fun….He said the medicine must have had Morpine in it because it knocked him out and he stopped taking it. Or, he said, it could have contained some form of Ossycodiene. Now, folks, I am no pharmacist, but I think if you asked one to refill your Ossycodiene, the pharmacist would call your doctor to get your dosage lowered!

I once dated a guy who was Norm Crosby incarnate.  He once said his daddy was “causing him prostration.” He said he had been to check on the cows and that one of them was mooing so loudly he thought she was in some kind of redress.” I wish I had written it all down and made a million off him, since he left me broke and poor. He could have made me rich and famous instead!!

My Momma had lots of malapropisms. She did not dice her potatoes, she spliced them. She was not exasperated, she was exaspercated. She did not insinuate, she insistuated. She could twist the English language until it suffered and bled. She did not chop, she chipped. She did not mash, she smashed. She did not go berserk, she went besmirched. She once said. and I quote, “I think that guy over there is smoking that Mary Jane Wanna.”

 Momma also had her own name for everything, and if she didn’t know it, she would make it up. She named her plants and flowers by how they looked. For example, if it had purple blooms, in her book it may be a “purple posy granny bush” or a “purple seven week slow blooming rose.” You never knew…I didn’t, by the way, write those down, either.

One day, I pulled into her drive to help her with a yard sale. She was already in the garage.  I heard Bob Segar booming out of the roll up door, and saw Momma doing the twist amidst all her yard sale paraphernalia. I smiled, and cursed myself for not having a camera…..

I got out and walked up to the door. She didn’t know I was there for a minute or two, so I got the enjoyment of watching her dance, all alone, as they say “Like Nobody is Watching.” A precious moment…..

She turned around, saw me, let out a whoop and said, “I just found this new musician!! I have never heard of him. His name is Bob Cigar!! Is his music not just ingratiating????”