Just A Little Southern … Vote Me For President

I’m thinking maybe we DO need a woman president. We need me! I am tossing my wig into the ring.

It’s getting more and more ridiculous to watch every single one of these people even TRY to tell us about their ideas to “fix America”.

I recall my dear departed parents saying America is in peril and needs to be fixed, so I guess this fixing thing has been going on for a long time. I think if I can fix supper, fix a tangled up jewelry box, fix a broken table leg, fix torn blue jeans, fix my makeup, fix a sandwich, fix a wig that the dog slobbered on……….then maybe I can fix America too!

I remember the time when someone running for president was respected, maybe even revered. Just running made them somebody. I think I am somebody, so I am prepared to write myself in on the ballot. Or type myself in, whatever it takes.

Has America simply run out of good people? Have we got to the point where being a candidate only means you get to be on tee vee all the time, wear clothing given to you by designers of red carpet wear, and get your hair discussed? If so, then I’m in!!

I am not a party member. When someone says the words “party member” I think of the Nazi regime and picture things I don’t wanna picture. When someone says the word “party”, well, that takes on a whole different meaning, and I am totally down with a party on the white house lawn, with Kudzu Queens bringing tater salad and prancing around on the lawn.

I would plant a patch of poke salad out there and appoint a white house corn bread maker. One of my campaign slogans would be “A petunia in every pot, and a Labrador beside every man’s recliner.”

Remember I prance around in a green wig, covered in bling, from time to time, so “why so serious”? If nothing else, I could put a little fun into the white house. It couldn’t be all that difficult.

See, I occasionally day dream about my presidency. I would be awakened by calls from foreign diplomats, informing me of some strife in other countries. I would say “There are OTHER countries? Lordamercy!!!!! Bless their hearts!! WHAT?? Send them some coupons for Bed, Bath and Beyond, and call me in the morning! And, no, you are not coming in here with a camera; I don’t have any lipstick on!”

When the illegal alien issue comes up, and I get questioned in front of every tee vee camera that can fit into the room, I would just say “I don’t believe in aliens. I saw that movie where one jumped out of that woman’s stomach, and let me tell you, it didn’t look real at all. I tell you, by the time that movie went off……what? You want me to talk about a wall? Well,I did our old dining room with that tissue paper glued on it, it turned out really cute……..…..How does my lipstick look?”

If they ask about Muslim brotherhoods, I would say “You know, muslin makes good boho clothing, it flows just right in the wind and reminds me of Woodstock. Oh, you said Muslim……well, I can’t help it if you don’t know how to pronounce muslin…you probably ain’t even old enough to know what it is anyway. Here, you can get a 40 percent off coupon on your phone to use at Hobby Lobby! Let me have that phone…………..oh, you want me to look at the camera and answer more questions? YOU can’t tell me what to do!! I’m president so go get me some tea!! Do I still have lipstick on?”

When questioned about pro choice and birth control issues, I have my answer ready for that too….I would point my finger at the camera and tell every kid in America….”Let me tell you little smart alek upstarts something. If you got a kid on your hip that you don’t know what to do with and you were stupid enough to get pregnant in the back of your daddy’s SUV, then you gonna have to get a job. You gonna have to listen to your parents moan and groan about you for the rest of your lives. Its gonna be like having nails stuck through your eyelids!! You quit making babies right this dang minute or none of you will ever see a cell phone again. AND, I’m signing a law today that says if y’all don’t quit doing that “babies making babies” thing, I am closing down every mall, drive in movie, camp ground and skating rink in this country. These places ain’t nothing but……what? You want me to talk about something else? Well, honey pie, I just got started!! Do I still have lipstick on?”

When discussing capital punishment, well, that answer is always on the tip of my tongue….”Honey Hush!! My momma and daddy used to tear me up for the least little thing!!! Oh, you meant the death penalty? Well, let me tell you it felt like death was a coming when that peach tree limb………..oh, why are you waving your arms around like that? You look like Timmy fell in the well………anyway, I said a little cuss word one time and my momma come out on that porch…………….oh, okay, you in the cute little gray dress , you have a question? …….and where did you get those BOOTS???? Lord have mercy!!!! You are cuter than a speckled………. Do I still have lipstick on?”

I can’t wait to be president!!! I am gonna have all the skin treatments in the world at my disposal!! The Kudzu Queens will get new wigs and outfits every day!! My grand kids can play nekkid on the white house lawn and wash the dogs in the kiddy pool with the best dog shampoo in the world!! We will have dogs that use Wen!!

My husband will be able to wear shorts that don’t come from Old Navy and someone will come in to do my hair, nails and facials, and exfoliate my whole poor old body, and you KNOW that’s got to happen!!

I will have someone hired to do nothing but put essential oils and Aspercreme on my bad back and elbow!! I will have a bed with a ladder!

I will have a huge room painted Kudzu Queen green, decorated by the Junk Gypsies!!!

I will change the name of the oval office to the “Patsy Cline Suite” cause it’s gonna be Crazy up in the white house!

So, give it some consideration. Maybe we need a little “South” up in the white house. I tell you, we don’t put up with a lot of hoo hah down here, and we tell it like it is. Now, y’all make a list of who wants to go on the campaign trail with me. We will stop at every “Meat and Three” in the country, and let me tell you, if their slaw aint good, none of the other food will be good, either. That is a cold, hard fact.