Lots of you know that some funny and strange things can be seen in an emergency room. If you have worked in such a place, you surely have lots of stories to tell. I know, I know, patient confidentiality and all that, but some of it is so rich, it must not go untold! It can also be a little sick and twisted, which sits just fine with my funny bone… Names have been excluded to protect the guilty and the innocent…and to avoid malpractice suits…..
I was working with a doctor whose name was indicative of a popular alcoholic beverage. The patient 
was an old man, had been in often with heart problems. He was just a sweetheart, and very humorous! That day, we shocked his heart back into rhythm. He didn’t wake up as fast as he should have, so Dr. ___(Insert name of alcohol here) said “Mr. Smith? Mr. Smith?? Wake up!! Do you know where you are? Do you know me? I am Dr.____(insert alcohol here)…..Can you hear me?”
The patient opened his eyes and said, “Yes!!!! Yes!! I do know, OH! THANK GOD!….Let me get my billfold! I will buy a whole case!!”
Now, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny……!!
Another time, I was in with a patient who kept on trying to “commit suicide.” What he was really doing was trying to get committed, as he just loved being in the “nervous hospital”. He would beg us to send him over to the “other wing” for what he called “a free vacation”. Every time, a few weeks would pass and he would “try” it again. He had “overdosed” on alka seltzer, Pepto Bismol, aspirin, and booze, shot himself in the leg, foot, arms. He had jumped in front of cars. He had jumped off buildings. He had put ropes on his neck, only to be “discovered and saved at the last second.” He had jumped into the lake, but floated and didn’t manage to drown. He had stuck his finger in a light socket. He had jumped into a fence with a mean dog!! He always called the ambulance himself!!
Now, I know all of this is not funny at all to some of you, but wait just a second, I am not judging, I’M JUST TELLING. What was funny was how the doctor finally handled it…
Mr. Jones/Smith, (insert your own name if you like)…..was back again, shot below the knee. He had just barely nicked himself; it was a very simple
wound, didn’t even need stitches, but he kept saying “I don’t want to live!! I can’t get it right!! Put me in the hospital! I wanna go to the crazy house!”
The doctor talked to him for a while. The small wound was treated and dressed. I was called over by the doctor and he was really in distress about Mr. Jones/Smith. He said, “I am about to do somethingreally against the grain. Do not be upset, and just keep quiet. I am gonna put a stop to all these “suicide attempts” once and for all. This man needs to be shook up.”
I went in the room and told the patient that the Dr. would be right back, and he was. He had a huge, pearl handled revolver. He had on his serious face. He said, “Mr. Jones/Smith, I know you want to kill yourself. You keep on trying but you are always unsuccessful, so I am going to show you exactly how to do it. I am a doctor, so I know how to kill myself right the first time. Here, if you really want to die, you have to do it this way…..”
..and he proceeded to show Mr. Jones/Smith the right way to shoot himself.
The patient’s eyes got bigger and bigger as the conversation went on..finally, he said, “You are crazy as hell. I am getting out of here and I ain’t coming back! This whole bunch is nuts! You are too crazy to be a doctor!! I ought ta call the police!! God almighty!!”
For all the remaining years I worked there, I never saw this patient again. I don’t know what ever happened to him, but I will always remember the “suicide lesson” and that it must have been the right thing to do, because it didn’t happen again.
Bless his heart………
2 comments
I guess he liked the other wing of the hospital. They used to, years ago keep you in la-la land so you would calm down. He never wanted to die. those people are always successful if they really want to die.
Good one!