How To Out-Smart A Grand-Kid Without Really Trying

Ah, Grand-kids…..they make life either worth living or worth jumping off a bridge, but they are always, always, adorable!!

And…….just in case you are thinking of the bridge, don’t jump. They will come up with some funny things while you are headed toward the water, and you can’t jump back up on the bridge after you jump off.

In their room, after picking up twenty dolls, six thousand Legos and Lincoln Logs, assorted bits of cut paper, eight destroyed magazines, at least a dozen dirty dishes, various mysterious electronic gaming devices, many shoes with no mates, and several costumes, I find a crushed banana between the bed-sheet and the mattress. It’s covered with ants….I spray the mattress, open the windows, and then…..fussing in my best Big Momma voice, I march into the living room.

I look at the three grand-kids I have lined up on the couch. They look sweet, but guilty. One of them is trying not to laugh…..one is trying to see the television out of the corner of his eye. The other one is picking at her toenails.

“No toenail picking, please…Okay, kids. All eyes on me, and ears open….Here are the rules. No food upstairs in your playroom, forevermore, amen.”

“But, how will we eat cookies?”

“At the table.”

“That’s no fun.”

“…no fun!”

“…no fun!”eat to live

“Food is not supposed to be fun. You are supposed to eat to live, not live to eat.”

“Why? What does that mean?”

‘You are not supposed to know what it means, you are just supposed to do it….”

“We forgot what we are supposed to do!”

“It’s not what you are supposed to do, it’s what you are not supposed to do!”

“Can we swim?”

“My toe hurts.”

“Look! A pterodactyl!”

“Irrelevant!” I say.

“What are we not supposed to do, again?”

“Eat in your bedroom…there are ants coming in and the room smells like an outdoor toilet in a third world country. ”

outdoor toilet“I used an outdoor toilet once. It was waaaaay more stinky than our room!The toilet paper was brown like the paper towels at Walmart.”

“Ewwww…”

“Look! Spongebob is trying to get his driver’s license!”

“Irrelevant!!”

“Big Momma, can I have a cookie?”

“Oh, Lord, spare me!! Take me now!!”take me now

They all three laugh hysterically and roll around on the couch with their feet in the air. The dogs jump on them, and for a little bit, pandemonium reigns.

I give them a couple of minutes to recover, then continue with my evil plans…..

“Okay. Here is another rule. When you all are 15, you are gonna move in here with us to mow the yard, scrub floors, weed eat, pressure wash the house, and walk up the hill with the garbage.”

“But….. garbage is stinky!!”

“AH HA!!” I scream. “So, you don’t like green eggs and ham, but you can stand a mashed banana with ants all over it? How’s that working for you?”

finger in the air I stick my finger in the air, making my point…..I am a mixture of Dr. Seuss, Dr. Phil, Dr. Jekyll, and Mr. Hyde!

“What?”

“Huh?”

“My toe hurts!”

“Garbage is stinky….…kinda like your room? If you can stand your room, you can stand the garbage. As a matter of fact, let’s start now….I have three bags of garbage to take up the hill….let’s do this…….Case closed.”

“BIG MOMMA!!!!!!!!” They all three say………groaning and looking at each other. I can see exactly what their little brains are thinking….she got us again. We don’t know how this happened. We are smarter than this……

See, here is the deal. You have to use your sarcasm, your wits, all your patience, and your humor when dealing with kids. They will absolutely make you claw your face, then they will cause you to fling yourself on them, to kiss them and hug them…hard enough to cause a CPR episode.

I have a friend who often says, “Sheila…your grand-kids are gonna be soooo warped, in such a good way!!”cookies

Yes. They are. They already are. When they come back down the hill, I am thinking cookies all around….and they don’t have to drink milk, they can have a Coke or Kool Aid. I am feeling rather free hearted today.

I get a band aid for the painful, picked on toe, and a bag of cookies. When I turn around, they are all three standing there. They look like angels to me. Always. I pass out hugs, Cokes, and cookies. They head toward their room.

“ANNNNKKKK!” I scream. They all roll their eyes and head for the kitchen table.