How I Fought Middle Age Spread ….. And Uh….Won?

What starts in middle age, goes on into old age, and never stops………………..?

No, folks. It’s not hardening of the arteries, wrinkles, gray hair, or Alzheimers.

I am speaking of our old friend, THE MIDDLE AGE AGE SPREAD!!

Not only do we have to suffer for living this long, we have to get wider while we do the suffering!!

 All my life I have had chicken legs. For those of you who are young, that means my legs are skinny no matter how fat the rest of me is.

It makes for painful dressing room experiences and lots of  angst when summer approaches.

Some time ago, I saw swimsuits at T. J. Maxx. The sign read, “Lose Ten Pounds Instantly!” It got MY attention! I pictured myself in a big hat and sunglasses, looking svelte, touching my toes to the water in Jamaica, holding a cocktail with an umbrella in it, my white cover up flowing in the gentle breeze…………sigh….

I grabbed three suits.  I rushed into the dressing room so fast, the dressing room Nazi didn’t have time to hand me that little plastic number that always makes me think I am guilty of something! I was ready to be skinny all over!

The first suit took me five minutes to get into. It was so tight I resembled a Vienna Sausage. All my “stuff” was sticking out, hanging out, and drooping out. But, it was only the first try, no big deal.

I managed to peel the first suit off of my already exhausted body, to try the second one.

It went on a bit easier.  I am a fast learner and figured out the process of adorning myself with something that was gonna make me as beautiful as any model. I still had my dream!!

When that suit was on, I COULD NOT BREATHE! I had to sit on that little stool and watch myself pant in the three way mirror. I was red in the face!! I cringed as I imagined the dressing room Nazi having to perform CPR!!

I broke the strap while wrestling that swimsuit. I tossed it in the corner, saying, “Burn in hell, you are sent from the devil, so go back!”  I decided  not to confess to the Nazi that I had destroyed a forty dollar garment. I have kept that secret, until now! You all are the first to know that I may be on the T. J. Maxx most wanted list!!

When I got the third swimsuit on, I simply burst into tears….not just tears, but big, sloppy, flowing, loud boo hooing!! I looked like a cantaloupe with two toothpicks sticking out of the bottom. I looked like Olive Oyl holding a watermelon. I looked like Octomom looked before she birthed those dozens of babies!! I leaned against the wall and sobbed.

The dressing room Nazi pecked on the door. ‘Ma’am? Are you okay in there?”

“DO I SOUND FRICKING OKAY TO YOU?” I sobbed. “NO, I AM NOT OKAY, BUT I WILL BE!”  I yelled, chancing getting thrown out of a clothing store for the first time ever.

I actually heard her chuckle!  I fought my way out of the suit. I didn’t even put them back. On the way out, the Nazi asked where the suits were. I said, “Well, they are not in my purse, wanna check?”

At home, my husband asked what I had bought. I told him it was an unapproachable subject and if he wanted dinner he was to never speak of it again. I stiffled him better than Archie could stiffle Edith!

A couple of weeks later, I went back to T. J. Maxx. I was trying on a loose, flowy top. The dressing room Nazi apparently recognized me, because she had a Hitler grin as I got my plastic number.

Now, I think if a woman has one comfy pair of jeans and ten flowy tops, they actually have ten outfits. No one has to know you wear the same jeans every day. God did not mean for us to show the tire around our middles. That’s why He invented big, flowy tops.

If you see me on the river, ignore my loose clothing. It’s possible I could float like a parachute if the wind gets high enough. That’s why I don’t stand up in a boat if it’s going fast. My middle age spread, my enemy who is always with me, is under there, laughing an evil laugh and plotting her next move. She didn’t take kindly to looking ten pounds lighter!! But…she aint the boss of me!! I bought Spanx!!!