Remember that few days before you turned fifteen and you just lived for getting your driving permit? I remember, and finally….came THE DAY!!
Of course, if you had my parents, you had to live by this quote: “You ain’t driving ‘til you learn how!”
Now, even then I knew what a Catch-22 situation I was in, though the book and movie hadn’t come out yet……
So, here we go, my sister and I, in a ’55 Chevy, out to the pasture to learn how to drive.
It was hell and heaven all mixed together…but I knew better than to look a gift horse in
the mouth.
I drove through those cow patties and holes and over those rocks like, I thought, a professional!! Cows scattered all over that pasture, and a few of them even followed alongside us..
I had to take my sister with me; Momma made me. Momma wouldn’t even ride along, but she stood in the yard and watched us.
Once in a while she would scream, “DON’T DRIVE INTO THE POND!!”
Of course, the car had a straight shift on the column, so we had to figure out how to not kill the engine, to shift, to not jerk ourselves into having to be put into traction…..like I said…hell and heaven all mixed together.
I did pretty well once I got going……my sister, however, was a whole ‘nother story.
Picture this….two girls bouncing through ruts, screaming and driving like bats out of hell through a pasture full of mean bulls, terrified cows and a couple of horses…..
My sister is driving…..I am too busy rolling my eyes to help her learn how to shift gears.
Suddenly, we come to a stop…..my sister, the innocent and sweet bane of my existence, asks “Is it supposed to do this?”
People…..she had broken off the gear shift…it spun around and around and around….I wanted to throw up.
“Daddy is gonna kill you dead.” I said, almost gleefully. “Dead, dead, dead, dead….you are so dead.”
I, once again, figured that I was going to be the “good daughter”. I was the one who DIDN’T break the gear shift off of the only car we had!
We crawl out and go to Momma, who didn’t have a clue what we had done. While we walked, we planned how to make this right, but of course, my evil side came out and…
“Momma, SHE broke off the gear shift and it’s going round and round….”
“OH MY GOD!!!” Our momma was fast trying to figure out how to pay for a divorce, how to go about killing us and getting by with it..how to find an adoption service who would take us, how to fix this before Daddy got home, how to not have to take the blame, and if cooking fried chicken for supper would help…
We all three went into the house crying and wringing our hands….I just knew I was in the clear because I hadn’t done anything wrong.
My daddy’s first question was to me….”How could you have let this happen?”
I am still confused to this day, but the gear shift got fixed, we did not have to get adopted by folks unknown, and life proceeded on to me turning sixteen and taking the driver’s license exam.
I don’t know why my daddy was obsessed with parallel parking, but he was.
Days before I turned sixteen he put two ten gallon buckets in the driveway and I had to practice parking between them… Crying and parking, crying and parking, crying and parking!! He wouldn’t even get inside the car, but walked along beside me screaming things like “TURN THE WHEEL, DON’T DO THAT, STOP, QUIT, GO FORWARD, GO BACKWARD, LORD HAVE MERCY!!!DONT RUN OVER MY BUCKET I USED TO FEED THE DOGS!!” I was traumatized for life, I tell you.
Momma took me for my test. She was visibly sweating the whole way, as I drove down to the courthouse. I could hear her mumbling prayers and insisting we weren’t going to get there alive, much less come back with my license… (Note: My Momma didn’t get her license ‘til she was in her fifties, but she knew how to drive and sometimes did it…that’s another story too..)
I passed a test that I don’t even remember taking. The instructor said I parallel parked like a pro. I was beaming, wiping sweat and pretty sure Momma was going to have to be hospitalized.
On the way home, hell happened……we were in front of Big Star. I was driving with confidence, smiling, proud, and paying no attention at all to my semi-hysterical Momma, who I figure had prayed I wouldn’t pass that test….we all knew if I passed, I would get to drive back home!
Suddenly……”ARRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! STOP THIS CAR!! YOU ALMOST KILLED THAT GUY!!!” My momma screamed. I looked over and she had covered her eyes…… Frankly, my dear, I hadn’t even SEEN a guy, much less almost ran him over.
“PULL INTO BIG STAR…YOU ARENOT DRIVING THE REST OF THE WAY HOME, IN FACT YOU ARE NEVER DRIVING AGAIN IN YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE AND THAT’S THE TREE WITH THE BARK ON IT!!”
Whatever that meant, I knew I was in big trouble, regardless of my skills at parallel parking or my professional stop light skills.
It was true. I didn’t get to drive for weeks and weeks and weeks….it seemed a lifetime ‘til I was finally handed some car keys.
To this day, I can’t pass Big Star without remembering my hysterical Momma and my almost killing of an invisible pedestrian.
Kids have it so easy now..they learn how to drive in school and don’t have to learn with 
parents screaming, praying and bellowing orders. They get cheaper insurance by taking Drivers Ed, and even get watercraft license by taking the course. How jealous I am of them….
But….at the same time….I know the angst of watching your kid or kids drive away, alone in a car, for the first time.
I know it was their way of saying “I love you and you could have a wreck and be killed so just don’t do it and everything will be fine….”
You kids who are getting close to the time you get out on the road and take your life in your hands….
Remember how loved you are and how terrified your folks are when you get in a car….
And if you can’t stay off that phone, leave it at home….
Make your family happy by being a safe, defensive driver, and, oh yeah….
If you pass by Big Star….don’t run over that invisible man. He is probably still there, waiting for your parents to take your keys.……..and just laughing!!!
