Remember that few days before you turned fifteen and you just lived for getting your driving permit? I remember, and ย finallyโฆ.came ย THE DAY!!
Of course, if you had my parents, you had to live by this quote: โYou ainโt driving โtil you learn how!โ
Now, even then I knew what a Catch-22 situation I was in, though the book and movie hadnโt come out yetโฆโฆ
So, here we go, my sister and I, in a โ55 Chevy, out to the pasture to learn how to drive.
It was hell and heaven all mixed togetherโฆbut I knew better than to look a gift horse in
the mouth.
I drove through those cow patties and holes and over those rocks like, I thought, a professional!! Cows scattered all over that pasture, and a few of them even followed alongside us..
I had to take my sister with me; Momma made me. Momma wouldnโt even ride along, but she stood in the yard and watched us.
Once in a while she would scream, โDONโT DRIVE INTO THE POND!!โ
Of course, the car had a straight shift on the column, so we had to figure out how to not kill the engine, to shift, to not jerk ourselves into having to be put into tractionโฆ..like I saidโฆhell and heaven all mixed together.
I did pretty well once I got goingโฆโฆmy sister, however, was a whole โnother story.
Picture thisโฆ.two girls bouncing through ruts, screaming and driving like bats out of hell through a pasture full of mean bulls, terrified cows and a couple of horsesโฆ..
My sister is drivingโฆ..I am too busy rolling my eyes to help her learn how to shift gears.
Suddenly, we come to a stopโฆ..my sister, the innocent and sweet bane of my existence, asks โIs it supposed to do this?โ
Peopleโฆ..she had broken off the gear shiftโฆit spun around and around and aroundโฆ.I wanted to throw up.
โDaddy is gonna kill you dead.โ I said, almost gleefully. โDead, dead, dead, deadโฆ.you are so dead.โ
I, once again, figured that I was going to be the โgood daughterโ. I was the one who DIDNโT break the gear shift off of the only car we had!
We crawl out and go to Momma, who didnโt have a clue what we had done. While we walked, we planned how to make this right, but of course, my evil side came out andโฆ
โMomma, SHE broke off the gear shift and itโs going round and roundโฆ.โ
โOH MY GOD!!!โ Our momma was fast trying to figure out how to pay for a divorce, how to go about killing us and getting by with it..how to find an adoption service who would take us, how to fix this before Daddy got home, how to not have to take the blame, and if cooking fried chicken for supper would helpโฆ
We all three went into the house crying and wringing our handsโฆ.I just knew I was in the clear because I hadnโt done anything wrong.
My daddyโs first question was to meโฆ.โHow could you have let this happen?โ
I am still confused to this day, but the gear shift got fixed, we did not have to get adopted by folks unknown, and life proceeded on to me turning sixteen and taking the driverโs license exam.
I donโt know why my daddy was obsessed with parallel parking, but he was.
Days before I turned sixteen he put two ten gallon buckets in the driveway and I had to practice parking between themโฆ Crying and parking, crying and parking, crying and parking!! He wouldnโt even get inside the car, but walked along beside me screaming things like โTURN THE WHEEL, DONโT DO THAT, STOP, QUIT, GO FORWARD, GO BACKWARD, LORD HAVE MERCY!!!DONT RUN OVER MY BUCKET I USED TO FEED THE DOGS!!โ I was traumatized for life, I tell you.
Momma took me for my test. She was visibly sweating the whole way, as I drove down to the courthouse. ย I could hear her mumbling prayers and insisting we werenโt going to get there alive, much less come back with my licenseโฆ (Note: My Momma didnโt get her license โtil she was in her fifties, but she knew how to drive and sometimes did itโฆthatโs another story too..)
I passed a test that I donโt even remember taking. The instructor said I parallel parked like a pro. I was beaming, wiping sweat and pretty sure Momma was going to have to be hospitalized.
On the way home, hell happenedโฆโฆwe were in front of Big Star. I was driving with confidence, smiling, proud, and paying no attention at all to my semi-hysterical Momma, who I figure had prayed I wouldnโt pass that testโฆ.we all knew if I passed, I would get to drive back home!
SuddenlyโฆโฆโARRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! STOP THIS CAR!! YOU ALMOST KILLED THAT GUY!!!โ My momma screamed. I looked over and she had covered her eyesโฆโฆ Frankly, my dear, I hadnโt even SEEN a guy, much less almost ran him over.
โPULL INTO BIG STARโฆYOU ARENOT DRIVING THE REST OF THE WAY HOME, IN FACT YOU ARE NEVER DRIVING AGAIN IN YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE AND THATโS THE TREE WITH THE BARK ON IT!!โ
Whatever that meant, I knew I was in big trouble, regardless of my skills at parallel parking or my professional stop light skills.
It was true. I didnโt get to drive for weeks and weeks and weeksโฆ.it seemed a lifetime โtil I was finally handed some car keys.
To this day, I canโt pass Big Star without remembering my hysterical Momma and my almost killing of an invisible pedestrian.
Kids have it so easy now..they learn how to drive in school and donโt have to learn with 
parents screaming, praying and bellowing orders. They get cheaper insurance by taking Drivers Ed, and even get watercraft license by taking the course. How jealous I am of themโฆ.
Butโฆ.at the same timeโฆ.I know the angst of watching your kid or kids drive away, alone in a car, for the first time.
I know it was their way of saying โI love you and you could have a wreck and be killed so just donโt do it and everything will be fineโฆ.โ
You kids who are getting close to the time you get out on the road and take your life in your handsโฆ.
Remember how loved you are and how terrified your folks are when you get in a carโฆ.
And if you canโt stay off that phone, leave it at homeโฆ.
Make your family happy by being a safe, defensive driver, and, oh yeahโฆ.
If you pass by Big Starโฆ.donโt run over that invisible man. He is probably still there, waiting for your parents to take your keys.โฆโฆ..and just laughing!!!
