Day Trippin’ With Momma

I have been driving  the Tennessee back roads for  four hours!! I have seen more turtles, squirrels, coyotes, and cattle than I ever wanted to see.….I am almost out of gas! I am ready to claw my face!!

I also want to claw my Momma’s face. She is the one who wanted to go to the “Amish” and get produce. All this is HER fault!!

 I reluctantly admit, I called her first. I asked, “Wanna do something?” She immediately said no, (as I knew she would) but she called back and said, “Let’s go to the Amish farms and get some stuff I have been wanting. You drive.”

Now, since the time I cowered in the floor as  we crossed eight lanes of traffic to turn left into Muscle Shoals on a red light with my Momma at the wheel, I always take her up on her command to drive…I lived through that debacle, and I planned on never having to live through another one.

When we got to the Amish community, Momma whipped out a LIST!! We searched until we found tons of stuff she wanted, plus some she hadn’t planned on. We bought baskets, pickles, recipe books, apple butter, honey, molasses, fruit, vegetables….

I was already tired when we started home, at which time Momma pointed left and said, “Turn here and let’s see where this road goes.”

 RED FLAG!! I should have said no, but how do you refuse the Momma who  fed you crushed vanilla wafers in milk because the doctor said you were too skinny? How do you refuse the Momma who gives you corn and peas from her freezer, even if she does threaten your life if you lose her plastic freezer containers?

So, yes, I turned, ya’ll….it was already dusk, and we were miles away from home, but….I turned.

It was the end of all that was good. Remember, this was before cell phones or GPS systems.

We were as lost as lost can be. We were as messed up as a soup sandwich. We went in circles, and saw the same houses four or five times. We admired the same rose bushes over and over.

At first, we laughed. Then, we got quiet. Then, we became accusatory.

Momma said, “You have got us more lost than Old Jay Gooch!!”

I said, politely, because she’s Momma, “You are the one who said turn  here!!”

“No,  I said you could if you wanted to and you did.”

“Momma……..let’s just turn a different way and try to find a store or a person.”

“Well, you are gonna have to do something because I am hungry and I have to pee.”

“Lord have mercy, Momma…you could have peed twenty times in the woods!!”

“I am 67 years old, and I am not peeing in the woods.”

I sighed. I drove. I tried to decipher road signs covered with bullet holes. I didn’t see a living human being for thirty minutes. I did see some shacks with vines on them and some haunted houses with ghosts looking out the windows.

“If you see anyone, DO NOT stop…..these people look like those people on that movie where they canoed and played banjos and got shot and stuff.” Momma said.

“Momma. I am gonna knock you out.” I said, showing great disrespect,  risking being taken out of her will and never getting plant cuttings again.

Finally, we came to a paved road. I took it….I took it regardless of where it went.

“Momma, I hope you brought some warm clothes, because I think we may be in New Jersey or at least Boston.” I said.

“You hush and just find the way home! I can’t believe you did this. It’s getting dark and looks like rain.” Momma said……and not in her sweet voice, might I add.

We found a store!! Regardless that it resembled those stores you see in movies with dead people on meat hooks in the back, I went in.
The man working there said, “We aint got no bathroom or no water.”

I grabbed him by the shirt, put my face right up to his and said…”FOR GOD’S SAKE, MAN! I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN THE CAR WITH MY MOMMA FOR FOUR HOURS!! I AM INSANE, AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! NOW, POINT TOWARD FLORENCE, ALABAMA AND IT BETTER BE GOOD, BECAUSE I WILL BE BACK IF I GO IN ANOTHER CIRCLE!!!!”

He pointed with a trembling hand. He even gave a weak smile. I scared that poor little man. I bet he wished he had a bathroom.

I got back in the car, and we headed toward home. We had been gone eight hours!!

At Momma’s house, she jumped out of the car, grabbed her stuff and headed into her house, mumbling under her breath.

I wasn’t about to go in. I couldn’t take the lecture. But, my sweet Momma rushed out to the car with a basket in her hand…..

“Here..” She said….”I know how much you like cucumbers and tomatoes. You can keep the basket too.”

Then, she kissed my cheek, and I kissed her cheek. I thanked her and pulled out of her drive. She stood there and watched me until I was out of sight.

I smiled all the way home………………………..