Control….Let’s Just Straighten This Out

No, I do not have control issues….control issues have me!

I am a bi polar controller. Sometimes I want NOTHING to do with NOTHING and I just grab a book and sit on the couch, with food. Lots of food. Jethro Bodine has nothing on me when it comes to eating cereal. I have a special bowl……never mind.

Of course, then, I am out of control myself. Apparently, that’s what seems to be expected of me, but later, my clothes are tight, causing me to sport pajamas until I lose a pound or two.

 If you see me at the Dollar General wearing my Tweety Bird night gown, please pretend it’s a dress and go on about your business. Also, please don’t look down, because at these times, my toenails look like they have been sandpapered or just came out of the cotton field.

 By the way, Dollar General sometimes has some comfy nightgowns on the dot sale, and I am not past buying them to stick in a drawer for fat days. This is not a paid for advertisement.

Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah, control issues. You folks need to help a girl out here!

I have started to “watch” myself to try to figure out my control issues, or if I even suffer from control issues, or if anyone notices when I do.

 Now, if that doesn’t make sense, you are not southern and should buy that book “How to Understand Southern Folks for Idiots.” You say there’s not one? Maybe I need to get to work making one.

Anyway, I watched, and I have discovered that my control issues are only about small things.

For example, and all you Libras know this…I will straighten pictures on any wall….I mean, total strangers are not immune from my picture straightening.

I once straightened a painting of a flamingo at an art show….the artist said, “Please don’t touch the paintings.” I replied, with a smug look, “Anyone who can paint this well can surely hang the paintings correctly. This flamingo is so crooked he looks drunk. I only made him look sober, so you should thank me.”

 In restaurants, I straighten things on the walls, drawing “the look” from waiters and customers, but I do not CARE. Folks, God does not mean for pictures to be crooked on the wall. I think it’s in the Bible, but I can’t find it right now.

Lampshades, got to be straight, too.

Now, if you come to my house, you will think, “Her stuff is straight, but it sure is dusty! Those spiderwebs look like they came in a plastic bag from a Walmart Halloween aisle. Those dust bunnies need to be fed, they have come aliveand are feeding off each other!”

No, I am not a big house cleaner. That is NOT one of my control issues.

If I have two plants on each side of a porch, door, or deck, they must look alike and be the same size. I will, without mercy, cut a poor plant back to make it look like it’s brother or sister.

I can’t stand it if our garbage can is turned around backwards, and our trash men do it all the time, which is why I am calling them trash men.

Only trash would turn a garbage can around backwards. I am thinking of reporting them to the Association for Straightening Things, or calling their bosses, risking a visit from those men in the little white coats who are coming to take me away.

Never mind that they leave half the garbage in the can sometimes…that doesn’t bother me in the least. I just don’t look in it. But I will turn it around and straighten it and cuss a little.

I can’t stand a towel slung on a rack with abandon. One must hang the towel properly, or things will just go awry, and grandchildren may be sent home, husbands divorced, or at least frowned upon with such severity that they go and hang towels they haven’t even used.

However, my kitchen sink is usually at least half full of dishes. While this may be a result of my cereal eating issues, it doesn’t bother me. However, in a dishwasher, all dishes must be turned toward my left. Folks, that’s just the way it is….

In the shoe closet, all toes must point out. Never mind the tennis shoes are mixed with the house shoes and those are mixed with the flats and sandals. Never mind that they are dusty. The toes must be pointed out toward me. That’s in the Bible, too. You can look it up. I don’t have time.

Congratulations to all of you who don’t have to straighten things. You have a much easier life than I, but all your stuff is crooked. You might want to straighten that……There are lots of Libras in this world…….