Children’s Church

I had a great MawMaw. She was my Momma’s Momma, and she was apparently taken with me right off the bat.  I had had a brother,  who died, leading them to all worship the ground I crawled on and to pet and spoil me unmercifully. Just the fact that I was alive made me special!!!!!!

MawMaw was my “caretaker” at church. I don’t know if she volunteered, or was appointed, but nevertheless, I was always with her on the back pew. The back pew is where people sit when they have unpredictably active and unruly children, of which I was one. Still am.

She had on her hat, she smelled like roses, and I was on her ample lap. I say ample not because she was fat, but because I was little and she seemed larger than life to me. She continually said “Ssshhhhh, baby!” Unfortunately, I was old enough to talk when this happened, and I always got what I wanted, when I wanted it, and how I wanted it. (These actions on their part probably led to the hissy fitting woman I am today.)

I patted MawMaw’s cheek, which worked every time, and asked to go to the bathroom. Now, she had me figured out. She knew I was just bored and wanted to get away from the fire and brimstone sermon and the scripture reading preacher.

“No, baby, you just went.” MawMaw whispered.

“You are mean. I am telling Momma.” I manipulated.

“If you don’t sit down here, I am taking you outside, and you know what that means.” My uncooperative MawMaw said, as she adjusted the hat I had tried to knock off her head.

I stood up on the wooden pew. I searched the crowd for my Momma. There she was, on the front row!! The congregation all had their heads bowed in prayer. This was my moment!!

“MOMMA!!! MOOOMMA!!!  MAWMAW’S BEING MEAN TO ME!!!!  SHE WONT LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM AND I GOTTA DOO DOO!” I screamed.

The entire congregation cracked up! The prayer stopped in mid blessing! All heads turned to me, and my pretty dress with the ruffle around the bottom! I looked at MawMaw, proud of my bravery and tattle telling.

I tell you, I have seen kinder faces on a mass murderer.

She jerked me up, went stomping out of there, and tore my little butt up with her hand. It didn’t hurt, but it made a lot of noise, and everyone heard it. I heard chuckles still coming from the chapel.

Momma came out, too. She was so angry she had blood in her eyes. She grabbed me from MawMaw’s arms, and she spanked me!! I got two spankings in the space of a minute!

In the car, going home, I tried to be quiet and good. Back at the house, PawPaw, who had stayed home, asked me how church went. I said, “PawPaw, I did not have a good time. I just wallered and wallered and MawMaw would not let me go doo doo and everybody laughed,  and I got two spankings.”

PawPaw took my hand. “Let’s go outside and feed the chickens.” He said. “You can throw out the food. We will see if we can find some eggs, too.”

Years later, when I became a mother, I had my kids sitting on either side of me. They were being sweet and good because I had threatened torture and infanticide if they didn’t keep quiet and eat the Fruit Loops I had put on a string around their necks. (yes, I did that)

Three rows ahead of me, I saw a little boy reaching into his mothers purse. He pulled out a ladies very personal item, unwrapped it, stood up and started swinging it around by the string, like a helicopter blade. He screamed “FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD!!!!!!”

The congregation, including me, roared. His mother jerked him up, and with his grandmother right behind them, they hurried out. I heard crying coming from the nursery. I guess he got two spankings, too.

I know how the little tyke feels. There’s no justice in the world when you are a kid. Maybe he had a kind Grandpaw who held his hand when he got home. Maybe he took him fishing or let him feed some chickens. Poor little feller…..